Being a Good Mother – To Myself

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Mother’s Day was celebrated in most parts of the world recently. Due to the pandemic, many of us have not been able to visit our children for more than a year now. We may have also missed the precious milestones of our grandchildren. And in the pause that this gives us pops that uncomfortable question: have I been a good mother?

Psychology tells us that ‘good enough is good enough. So if you have memories of having failed to organize birthday parties because you couldn’t take the time off; or if you couldn’t get your daughter the outfit she desired because it was out of budget – you actually have been a good enough mother.

What do we mean by this? When babies are born mothers put their lives on hold to tend to the baby’s needs. But as they grow up mothers or caregivers may often delay offering a snack by a few minutes because, maybe, they are on the phone finishing a conversation or attending to an older child. And this delay is okay because the child learns that the mother will come for her, not right away but in a bit and she will be okay till then.

Truth is, throughout our lives, we grow from one developmental stage to another by navigating conflict and learning to resolve it in a healthy way. So all those oversights of mothering you’ve been beating yourself up about may have actually helped your child/toddler/ teen/ adult child learn to make healthy choices healthily.

When we step into our senior years and focus on the 70 mm screen of our lived lives up until then, we are still a work in progress. We are integrating our life’s joys and sorrows; triumphs and challenges to get a sense of whether we have played our roles successfully. If we think we have failed, are guilty of omission or commission, or feel anger at lost opportunities, we end up in despair and feeling hopeless.

Again, if we apply the principle of ‘good enough mothering to ourselves, we may feel we have navigated our life successfully at times and not so successfully at other times. We are not perfect; for perfection at any stage of life is an illusion. A hard look at reality tells us that life is sometimes unfair and we may sometimes show up for it with a bit of un-cleared baggage. And that’s okay.

We moved on in our journey then, even if it was with a bit of collateral damage. When we accept that we tried our best in the given circumstances, we begin to integrate all those parts of us that we have been uncomfortable about and denied they existed.

In the space that it takes you to acknowledge all these feelings and say to yourself; “you did okay, given the circumstances…” is born a tiny shoot of wisdom. In the time it will connect with other such shoots sprouting up. And that is the beginning of you being a good enough mother to yourself. In other words, it’s about allowing the despair to show up and talking to it with compassion, eventually integrating it into the lived story of your life.

Has there been a time when you have been compassionate to yourself and a good mother to your own self? Let us know in the comments below or email us at connect@silvertalkies.com. 

Note to readers: This bi-monthly column is for informational purposes only. Please seek professional advice for any mental health condition.